Lovesong
by kaleidocat
Summary: It’s Craig and Ashley’s wedding day and as a present, Ashley sings “Lovesong” to him.  They reflect back on how they got here.  Oneshot for the Angsty Artists 100th thread celebration.


Lovesong

A/N: This fic is for the Angsty Artists over at FanForum. It is for the celebration for our 100th thread. To celebrate, we decided to plan Craig and Ashley's wedding. This fic is a tribute. Love you AA's! I've included some of our inside jokes, so credit goes to that fabulous mind.

**Whenever I'm alone with you  
You make me feel like I am home again  
Whenever I'm alone with you  
You make me feel like I am whole again**

_The only way Craig Manning could keep from crying during the wedding rehearsal was to stare off to the right of Ashley's shoulder. The song was for him, for them, but he couldn't allow himself to hear the words. He forced his brain to keep working, denying the power of her voice as her voice raised and fell to The Cure's lovesong. Tori Amos had nothing on this girl, he thought as he sighed inside. _

_As Ashley moved back to his side and he listened to more instructions on what to do during the ceremony, he felt his heart flutter a bit. This is getting dull; he lied to himself and wondered how much longer until they get to go for some pizza? When Craig and Ashley announced that the wedding rehearsal dinner was going to be at a pizza place that was a bit of a dive, Craig noticed that Kate was giving him that familiar look. It was of the what-the hell-Craig variety. "But it's got the best pizza in town," Craig reassured. Craig glanced over at Kate Kerwin. She wasn't giving him that look now. _

Now it was all real, him done up in his tux and Ashley glowing in her gown and loose curls tumbling out from under her veil. She looked like an angel. She sounded like an angel as her voice swelled as she sang. His eyes were misting again and she was blurry, just a glow. Could this be real? He'd only seen it in a dream once. He was chasing after Ashley, his ghost bride. He had chased her right off the edge of a cliff. He glanced down at the floor as he tried to be subtle about wiping his eyes. He was on solid ground now. It was hard, but he was here.

_When Craig first got his foot in the door in the music biz in Vancouver, he was sure that he was set. He thought that things would just happen. Things always just happened for Craig Manning. But it wasn't happening. He wanted CD's, posters, concerts with girls tossing their panties at the stage, and fan mail where they were gushing their love for him. Instead he just played smaller venues with his Leo-made band. In Toronto, his band mates were his family. In Vancouver, they were the guys he worked with. Guys with an agenda and a take whatever you can get attitude. Craig thought he had that drive in him, that desire to conquer it all. He really thought that he could handle it all. It was his dream to be touring, but once he found himself in a tour bus that reeked of vomit and littered with cigarette burns and strangers and girls with cold hands, he just wanted home. And then he realized he never really knew where home was. And then he just wanted up. And out. Cocaine gave him that. He loved to claim that he had no idea what he was doing when he agreed to that first line, but deep down he knew he was always looking for something like this. He never thought that he would have ended up in rehab, on suicide watch for the first week he was there. He really thought that if he couldn't be high, if numb wasn't normal, he'd rather be dead._

Craig wasn't upset that he missed out on several years of being with Ashley. He wasn't capable of adding another person into his life at that point. Craig couldn't help but separate his mind, heart, and body. That was why it was easy to cheat on Ash when he was a young boy of fifteen. That was why the best solution at the time was running away to the streets at seventeen and developing an addiction at eighteen. It was like playing a slot machine; he just couldn't get things to line up. He knew that when he had another chance with Ashley, things were falling into place. He was just lucky enough that once he had put himself in a better place, she popped back up in his life at the oddest time, and completed him.

_Ashley had gravitated into his life rather smoothly. Prior to that, it was as if they were just circling around each other. There was always that pull though. Part of his "therapy" while Ash was away in England was creating mix CDs for her. Music often said everything that he couldn't. He would occasionally toss in a rough Craig Manning original, once he had the hook ups in the music biz. The mixes chronicled the time from that summer of no love up until now, their wedding day. They were sporadic. Sometimes two CDs in a week. Sometimes two CDs in a year, which was when he was trying to keep busy with girls and cocaine. He admitted that it made him feel a bit guilty, like he was having some sort of mental affair. With a girl who wasn't there, his ghost bride. He admitted that it scarred him in a way. There was always distance with whatever girl he was dating at the time. Sometimes he worried that he was becoming happier with dreams. But he had to create those CDs. It was the only way he could still speak to her. He thought she didn't want to speak to him. _

_Once they did start speaking again, it just flowed. They had only been reacquainted for several months when he'd shown her the box of CDs. He couldn't believe how brightly her face at lit up. And that was the moment when he felt it burn even stronger in him. He'd nearly exploded when she showed up at his door the next with a journal. Not just a journal, the journal. The one that he had given her before she'd set out to England._

"_I love it," Ashley murmured to him as she cuddled with him on the couch before she'd boarded the plane._

"_Good," Craig said with a giggle, "I want comprehensive notes on every band you see and what it's like to work with BBC."_

_That wasn't what was inside though. Ashley, the ever guarded Ashley, would only show him snippets at a time. It started with them curled up on the couch together, them passing the journal back and forth with her instruction of where to start and where to stop. The year he'd begun to entertain the thought of marriage, she'd started to leave it with him, certain pages tabbed with tape, indicating what he could read. He'd never cheated and snuck a peek. He trusted her enough. He'd just let it play out in front of his eyes. He'd learned that she'd only started using the journal the year before they'd become reacquainted. Well, there were a few entries from the summer of no love while she was in England. The journal was neglected after that. But not forgotten, after all, it'd survived several moves. God, he was so entranced by her, even in writing. Her moments of dreaminess and the pessimism that weighed them down once that Ashley Kerwin realism set in. The way she saw things that others didn't and how deeply other's emotions penetrated her. The moment when she discovered how she pushed others away when she got too scared or too tired and how she was in the battle of changing that. He loved to peel her apart. There was always the challenge of if he could sneak inside, inside her head, and deeper into her life. It could never be deep enough._

He wanted to look away from his bride at the piano but couldn't. Her eyes were locked into his. Craig knew that he probably had a huge goofy grin on his face. It was probably the same grin Joey had when he first saw Madison in wife Caitlin's arms. Craig had burst into laughter when he saw it and gave Joey a bit of a rough time. Joey wasn't even fazed. Craig's grin widened and forced a tear to trickle down his cheek. Craig was sure that he wouldn't care if Sean or Spin joked later at the wedding reception. Let them laugh. They have never felt anything like this, he was sure of it.

Craig tore his eyes from his bride and looked around at all the faces of those dearest to him. There were his boys.

Marco, the best man and best friend who was always there for him no matter how big his screw up. He was the one who was the most patient with him, passing out sympathetic advice and trying his hardest to see things from Craig's point of view, no matter how warped that might be at the time. Marco was the saint who put up with most of Craig's second guesses on marriage and late night gushes about his bride-to-be. Craig knew that he couldn't gush to anyone else.

Sean was the guy who'd bail him out of trouble every time and never pass judgment. He was also the only one he'd let protect him because he hated having to ask for help or accept that he just can't do it on his own. They were always coming in and out of each other's lives. But every time the chemistry was the same and they were always at ease with each other.

Joey was his father. Not by blood, but he was the guy who was helping him learn how to be the man he wanted to be. He was the man who did all the re-parenting when he was 14, erasing what pain and damage he could. He had to include him in the ceremony, hoping that would be some sort of a reward for dealing with his screw-ups, drama, and diseases over the years. It was a way to say, "Dad, look how far I've come and there's no way I'd be here without you." Craig was glad that Joey knew just how to interpret it because he didn't know if he could say it.

Spinner was the one who added humor in his life, whether that was intentional or not. He was beginning to have doubts about making Spin an usher, however, judging from Spin's confusion during the rehearsal and the comment on how he planned to drink his dinner at the reception. Oh well, he was sure Toby could pick up the slack.

And then the women in his life.

Angela, during his darkest times, she was the one to give him the willpower to fight. She was a gorgeous young teen now, which meant that Craig had to be more protective than ever. Angie still had power over her brother though, forcing him to allow her (annoying) potential love interest to attend the wedding. Joey probably could have stayed firm in the decision, but Craig always caved when it came to princess Angie.

Paige was next to her, dabbing her eyes. That was the last one he'd thought would cry at the wedding. He always figured that she thought he was annoying, at best. Probably not worthy of a good friend's affections. His mind slowly began to change as Paige became more involved in their life together, from passing on Ashley's work number to him to wanting to be involved in almost all their wedding decisions, in particular the dresses. He could never be sure of that tail end of the conversation, but he could have sworn that Paige was defending him to one of Ash's family members when they had been dating for about a year.

Next to Paige stood Ellie Nash, Ashley maid of honor and both their best friend. He was surprised how easily it was to become involved in her life again, despite that it never was romantically._ He came to her several months after rehab with his tail between his legs and the confession that he did love her, that love has always been there since he got to know her, but he wasn't sure what kind of love that was. The only thing he knew was that things were a confusing mess and the last thing in the world he needed was a girlfriend. He rambled on that he knew that getting sober would mean the lose of friendships and he's dealing with that and that he knew that he couldn't ask her to wait for him to get his head on straight. _

_Ellie just smiled, rolled her eyes, and sarcastically stated, "You always think it's about you, don't you?" _

_Craig smiled sheepishly, "It's not?" After a pause, he added, "How have you been? I saw on your university's website that you got a scholarship. Congrats." _

_At first their conversations were forced and Ellie always made sure to have Marco in the room, usually sandwiched in-between them on the couch. Then things began to gravitate towards the norm. It began to feel like all things in general were falling into place for Craig Manning. _ Craig didn't regret any of his history with Ellie or the fact that it never became romantic. That being said, it's not that he didn't have the occasional dirty thought about her.

What female didn't he have an occasional dirty thought about (Oh no, what was this about? It must be wedding jitters, he decided on). That was not limited to Joey's girlfriends (He nearly shuddered as he remembered the night he had the wet dream about Caitlin when he was 16. He avoided her like the plague for weeks. It was even worse when Joey misread him alienating Caitlin and sat him down to give him a talk about adjusting to having her as his stepmother type figure). He wasn't ashamed to admit that sometimes he really missed the eye candy that was Diane. It was a relief to have Caitlin back in his – and Joey's – life. He never knew how much he liked having her in his daily life until she was gone. Before that, she was just another adult that he had to sneak around so he could have his fun. Now he knew she was more than that. She was family that he wanted, or rather needed, that more than anything. Craig smiled as he surveyed the faces that were watching him marry his Ashley Kerwin. They were all family now.

**Whenever I'm alone with you  
You make me feel like I am young again  
Whenever I'm alone with you  
You make me feel like I am fun again**

Ashley continued to force herself to think of the fun times, thinking that would keep her from crying. She knew that Craig's tears were tears of happiness but what Ashley felt was more. She was happy, yes. It was like every moment they had together, every feeling she'd had for him, was surging through her mind and her heart. Fun times, Ashley reminded herself. Times that Craig made her laugh.

The time that the two were hanging out in her bedroom the summer before tenth grade. _They had just had a mad tickle fight and both lay exhausted on a pile of pillows on the floor. Craig suddenly lurched up and grabbed two of Ashley's teddy bears. _

"_I bet you still play with these," he joked. _

_In response, Ashley playfully whacked him in the head with a pillow. _

"_Do they have names? I bet you name all your stuffed animals," Craig teased. _

"_I know you have a teddy bear too." _

"_What are their names?" Craig said, dropping the bears and tickling Ashley's waist. _

"_Sttttoooop," Ashley shrieked. _

_Craig obeyed and then waggled one of the bears in front of his girlfriend's face. "This is Mrs. Mumford," he announced. He held up the other bear. "And this is Larry Waffles." _

_Ashley gave him a strange look. She never knew what he was going to do. She loved that about him. He added so much lightheartedness into her life. "Dork," Ashley muttered and tossed a stuffed tiger at Craig. _

"_You apologize right now or this bear gets it," Craig joked. _

"_Larry Waffles loves Mrs. Mumford," Ashley says with a laugh. _

_Craig rolled his eyes and made Larry Waffles hump Mrs. Mumford. _

"_Stop it!" Ashley howled with laughter. "You are a stuffed animal molester!"_

_Ashley had the most fun with Craig, although some might think of it as work. There was just no pressure when they were spending countless hours spent in Joey's garage, Craig absentmindly strumming on his guitar as they poured over new songs. Their songs. The energy was always much different when it was just the two collaborating. The boys were always competing or complaining or Craig was pushing too hard. He just let the creativity happen when he was with her. It flowed. The only energy when it was Craig and Ash was mad excitement, that rush you get when you know you are making something good. They were always in synch and would spend hours alternating between kissing, rambling away, or staring into each others eyes, which was much more potent than any conversation. Craig always felt that Ashley's gaze could penetrate him; it was like she could see right into his mind. It frightened him at first and it wasn't until round two of them dating that he would fully trust her._ It might not be the equivalent of fun to some people, but Ashley treasured those memories. Ashley felt so young when she recalled them. She had felt everything for the first time when she was with Craig Manning. And it never got old, sometimes she swore that she was waking up in love for the first time.

Craig recalled how he felt like a nervous schoolboy when it came to his marriage proposal.Craig planned and plotted how and when and where he would ask Ashley to marry him. He even dragged Marco around to different locations, asking if this was just right. It was just like when he asked her to the end of year dance during grade 9. He knew he was going to ask her months in advance. A part of him wondered if he fantasized them together at the dance the moment he met her. He just knew that she would be the one he would be with. It was just like he just always knew that she would be the one he was going to marry. He knew that since he was 16. He'd just lost the hope for awhile._ Marco even commented on it one night as Craig was going into detail about his plans for popping the question. "You are Craig again," he said with a smile. "I mean, for awhile there, it was just like you were going through the motions, dating just to date." _

_Craig took Marco around town and asked his opinion on several places, including the gay bar where he once popped the question. Unaware of the significance of the location, Marco was dumbstruck for several moments. He was too dumbstruck to notice the handsome guys glancing over him. Craig was unaware of the ones checking him out because he was too busy staring intently at Marco, awaiting a response. Finally he blurted out the reason. _

"_You want to take her to the place where she first rejected you?" Marco asked._

"_Well, I know that…but...it should be something from our past," Craig argued. _

"_How about a happy place? A place from a happy time in your life. I mean that was when you were diagnosed bipolar." _

"_I know it should seem like it's tainted but it's really not. It's like everything was leading up to this point. I'm really happy," Craig gushed, "It's like everything in my life has been leading up to this. Histories, even the bad stuff, don't matter. Because it's all built up to this."_

_Craig had gone to Joey when he seriously began considering popping the question. Joey gave him the same big smile he had when Craig had inquired about how you know when you have a girlfriend. "Um, Joey, I think I want to marry Ashley. How exactly can I make that happen? How did you ask my mom?" was parallel to the "Um, Joey, I think that Ash and I are dating. But I mean, we've never talked about it. Should I ask?" He remembered the moment he did verify they were a couple. They were in a thrift store and he'd bought that jean jacket he was trying on, just because he was convinced that it made him lucky. _

"_Are we going to catch a movie tonight?" Craig asked, his voice rising in tone because he was anticipating the response. _

"_Sure. What else do you want to do? It's Friday night," Ashley had said in her usual soft tone. Craig remembered that she had sounded so casual, like she had assumed she would be doing nothing else._

"_You are going to be spending Friday nights with me for awhile aren't you? I mean, I only want to date you. If you only want to date me," Craig had rambled. _

_She just smiled her slow sweet smile that teases and said "Every Friday is yours. Saturday too." _

_He wasn't exactly graceful when popping the question either. He'd given himself stomach aches worrying about the perfect moment. So for stress relief he'd made a mix CD, all their favorite songs, all the songs that had memories…tossing in a few that he'd written for her. The last track was his voice, soft in tone and a bit shaky but maybe he'd just been over analyzing, it was just a verbal love note that ended these words…"Will you marry me?" Then he spent the night driving, listening to the CD over and over. Nine hours later, six calls to Marco, four cups of coffee, two drive thrus, one call to Joey (Who started with a panicked "Is everything okay? What's wrong?" and then gave way to a "Do you know what time it is?"), he'd dropped the CD off at the post office. Then he received a speeding ticket on his frantic drive home. What kind of moron proposes with a CD? The tracking number tormented him. He needed a plan. So it was $200 in flowers, $50 for a gourmet dinner catered to her pad, 5 trips to the bathroom while he'd waited for her to get home from work, and then he was down to one…his one and only. His mix CD played softly in the background. He removed his mother's ring from his pocket and was surprised how easily the words spilled out. "Will you marry me?" _

_Ashley's entourage of women had taken care of most of the wedding planning. Craig only voiced his opinion on the location and the menu. He was heard when it came to having an outdoor wedding at a secluded estate and reception/dance at a swanky establishment with a killer sound system and stage because Ashley agreed with him. When it came to the menu, he was ignored because apparently he can have a medium rare steak and lobster some other time, preferably when it was a smaller crowd and he was picking up his own tab. Most of the time, he was simply tagging along to maintain that he remained on Kate's good side. Not that he minded sampling cake or watching his gorgeous bride-to-be try on countless wedding dresses. But then Marco had to insist that Craig and Ashley take dance lessons to prepare for the wedding. That was pushing it too far._

"_Craig, don't you want to look smoking hot on the dance floor?" Marco pushed and elaborated on plans for a surprise rhumba performance in the middle of the dance. _

"_That would be very memorable," Kate added. _

_Ashley shrugged, "We could really tear it up with some work." _

_Craig whined every time before they went. But when it came to Joey and Caitlin's wedding reception a few months earlier and a few drinks, Craig couldn't be pried off the dance floor. Ashley, Caitlin, and good friends had watched the video footage during Ash's bachelorette party. Ashley recalled the laughs they'd gotten as they watched Craig bust out during "Footloose." _

"_Now that we're living together, I'm amazed by all the cheesy 80's music Craig owns," Ashley remarked. "I have no idea how he kept it hidden all these years."_

_Caitlin replied with, "It's probably the stepfather's influence."_

"_You can tell that it's building," Ashley said with a laugh and gestured to the screen. "Oh, oh, here he goes," she said as Craig shot out to the middle of their dance circle and busted out with his craziest moves. _

"_We can't ever show this to him," Caitlin said and wiped away a tear produced from laughter. "He'd be so self-conscious. And he's not that bad…"_

Ashley had to be sure to savor every moment leading up to this. Her musical declaration of love marked the midway point in the ceremony. Ashley loved the fact that she was able to give Craig a song in return. His first number was "Shine," the only way he could say "I love you." And the second was "Dust," the only way he could say "I'm sorry." Ashley knew Craig used music to reflect on what was happening, inside him and outside of him, and it was the only way he could send out a response. All his songs had been stepping stones along the way, markers in their past. Ashley hoped that this song, though not her own, would be just as memorable and seal their fate together.

**However far away I will always love you  
However long I stay I will always love you  
Whatever words I say I will always love you  
I will always love you **

Ashley noticed the moment Craig got tears in his eyes. Oh no, Kerwin, don't you start crying, Ashley told herself. This song will make it all perfect. This is the perfect day. She glanced over at her maid of honor, Ellie Nash. She had caught Ellie flashing Craig a look. Sometimes Ashley still felt a slight sickness in the pit of her stomach when she, Ellie, Craig, and Sean got together. Deep down, she had always disliked how Ellie had pined away from him. She reasoned that Ellie couldn't help the way she felt and Ashley wasn't even in the same country to object at the time. A part of her assumed that Ellie had used Craig to help herself to feel stronger. He was no project by any means, Ellie genuinely cared for him, and she knew that. Then Ashley watched Ellie smile at Sean, and she felt calmness wash over her. This was how it should be. Then she watched as Ellie smiled at her. The incestuous ness of herself, Ellie, Craig, and Sean really didn't matter. She knew the bond and love that her group had was all that mattered. There were things that Ellie and Craig understood about themselves that she and Sean couldn't grasp. And she and Sean had things in common as well. Like carburetors. No, really, she thought that it was the silence. Both knew that there were times to keep quiet and there were times you just had to let things spill so there wasn't a flood. And it's not like she had never had an impure thought about Sean. Or that Craig had never had a dirty thought about Sean slip into his mind. Ashley laughed inside at that.

Her joy faded a bit as her gaze focused on the young man seated near the back, where it was wheelchair accessible. Of course Jimmy would sit on the groom's side. _There were times when Jimmy came over to their apartment, usually just to play guitar and Ashley tried to stay out of their way. She had overheard him once though, shortly after the announcement of their forthcoming marriage. "Manning, you have no idea what you are getting into. You should know, you've been through it before. She's so fickle. She says she's happy and then she says she's not. There's no telling when she'll split and how she'll decide to do it. And you want to marry her?" At least he hadn't used any of the words he did moments before they had silently announced their breakup. She couldn't blame him; she had cheated on him. Sadly, she couldn't even remember the guy's name now. She just knew that she did it to get out of the box she put herself in and that was the way to do it. After her breakup with Craig and his breakdown (she never really could shake the deep rooted guilt she had about that), she had wanted to make a relationship work. She didn't know what she'd do if she screwed up again. She knew that her and Jimmy was purely accidental and the familiarity was stability. And then she just became tired. The lull was nice for awhile, a bit numbing. It was like she was asleep. Then she started to feel comatose. So she slept with that attractive fellow intern. _

_She had every intention of keeping quiet about the incident. She felt terrible but she really didn't want a conflict. The breaking point was when Jimmy announced that he'd been accepted into a law program and gushed about their future plans. "Don't worry about that internship with the music magazine. My dad can pull strings. He'll get you a sweet one, one that doesn't pay in peanuts. You won't have to work at that music store anymore. And hey, maybe you can take some classes too." She had smiled and thrown her arms around him and crawled into his lap one last time. This was all a lie. "There's something I have to tell you..." Then she woke up. _

_Ashley Kerwin realized that she had a few things she needed to work on. For real this time. No more convincing herself that geography changes everything or letting small problems build up to a massive explosion in her love life. She was starting to, without being too analytical, "lighten up." And it wasn't just being all smiles. She really felt lighter inside as she started to let go of her mistakes, others wrong doings, and most of all, the fear of failing. There was unfinished business with a Mr. Manning though._

_She had suggested a downtown bar to meet up with an acquaintance to discuss doing a possible collaboration. She'd noticed the small poster on the door announcing a gig by Craig Manning. So she'd stayed, sitting there alone at the bar. She wasn't disappointed when Sean had taken off right after Craig's set. She could feel Craig glancing at her. Yes, she could and that was not the liquor talking. Craig finally moved through the crowd and over to Ashley. He gave a quick hello and ordered a water, she ordered a margarita, and he offered to pay. Things were going well. And that wasn't the liquor talking because Craig ordered a beer once his water bottle was empty._

_Ashley knew that her having to be intoxicated to first speak to him wasn't a good thing. And she wasn't even the first to say hello. She just knew that she needed to feel protected if nothing happened or he told her off. _

"_There's nothing like the refreshing feeling of your world crashing down," Ashley had mumbled sarcastically to Craig and tipped her glass back._

_Craig smiled slightly and sipped at his own beer. After all he'd been through, he damn well knew that he better just sip. Then he joked, "Actually, I kind of like it when things go wrong. Feels so familiar."_

_Ashley wasn't sure how many drinks she'd had. But she did notice that Craig was drinking much less. He'd nurse one until it got warm and then get another, sometimes only drinking half the glass. Craig hoped that Ashley wasn't just comfortable because of the alcohol but because that spark was still there. He felt himself getting sucked into her again. Strangely enough, he wasn't even all that scared. The only thing that frightened him was when she would ramble on about change, like she had to reassure him that she was different. Honestly, he couldn't understand. He liked the Ashley he knew. He tried to dismiss it as drunken talk. He used to be horrible with his verbal vomit when he was on cocaine, so it's not like he could judge. Then she hit him with one hell of a line. _

"_Don't let me go home with anyone," Ashley whispered to Craig and leaned into him some. They had since moved to a more private booth in the back._

"_Who are you now?" Craig blurted out, even though he was warm from the thought that she wanted him to protect her. Maybe it was just the beer buzz though, he wasn't sure. He watched her face flush. "I mean…"_

"_I don't know, right now," Ashley said honestly. She didn't tell him that she always knew who she was when she was with him. Or even if she didn't, he made that confusion okay. He made it okay to be the analytical Ashley who second guessed everything. Things were always in synch then, despite all the troubles they hit along the way._

_Craig took Ashley home that night. He let her lean up against him in the cab and as they slowly maneuvered the apartment building hallways. He noticed that she'd changed shampoo brands since they last dated. Of course she did, Craig realized. It's only been…had it really been four years? _

"_Number 14," Ashley declared and pointed at the door. _

_She thrust her purse at Craig and after a few moments, he realized that she wanted him to find her keys and open the door to her apartment. Ashley stumbled in on her own and Craig slowly entered, not sure if she wanted him there. _

"_Um, Ashley?" Craig said softly and waved the purse. Ashley snatched the purse and began to weave towards her bedroom. She paused to look in the hall mirror. _

"_God, I look horrible," Ashley said as she examined herself. She dug a tube of lipstick out of her purse and sloppily applied it, hating that he called her Ashley._

_Craig backed away as Ashley haphazardly turned around and headed for the hall closet. Craig glanced around her apartment, taking in the color of the walls, the furniture, her keyboard set up in the corner (She still played, there is a God. He silently prayed to that God that she would go over and break out into song right now. Didn't matter what or that the words were slurred). He studied as quickly as he could everything that was Ashley Kerwin. He was in her world again, for this moment anyway, so he had to take away what he could. He watched as the girl pulled a rather hideous pink hat out from the clutter of coats, hats, purses, and shoes. Then, for reasons unknown to Craig and herself, she plopped it on Craig's head first and giggled. Craig looked at her quizzically as she removed it and put it on her own head. _

_Craig knew that he should just let her pass out but he kept her going, asking her questions about her life and playing with her cat. He was relieved that the little furball liked him. People can be weird about who their cat likes. Test 1 passed. Now for the next step. He couldn't just say goodnight and go. He had to work up to the moment where he could casually leave his number. Unfortunately he stalled too long and when it looked like her eyes were going a little crossed and her hand went up to her mouth, he knew._

_He helped her into the bathroom and held her hair back as she vomited. Then Craig wiped Ashley's mouth with toilet paper. Ashley watched as he retrieved a glass and filled it with water. A part of her was embarrassed by this situation and the other part was simply happy he was here. She realized she really was a fool when she admitted to herself that she liked this moment, him taking care of her like this. Craig eased a glass up to her lips and watched carefully as she sipped the water. As Ashley rested on the cool bathroom tiles, Craig attempted to wipe Ashley's hat clean. _

"_Um, you got a bit of puke on your hat," he mumbled._

_Ashley jerked the pink hat out of Craig's hands. "I hate that hat," she said as she tossed it in the toilet._

"_Oh dear," Craig said with a smile. He made a face as he fished the hat out and tossed it in the wastebasket. "I guess that's the end of that hat. Not going to want to wear that again, I'm assuming." _

"_Everyone hates my hat," Ashley said and drunkenly slammed her hand down on the floor. _

"_It's very...poofy. And pink," Craig said as he gently lifted her up into his arms. He ignored the excitement of having her close to him again. Ashley rested her head on his shoulder._

"_My head feels kind of poofy. But not pink." She couldn't help but run her fingers through the hair on the back of his head, just like she used to do when he was her boyfriend. _

_Craig helped Ashley into her unmade bed. He began to undo the laces on her boots. As he pulled one off, he glanced up at her. She was smiling at him. "I missed you," Ashley slurred. Craig felt warm happiness that she was saying this and then a chill that she was saying this while intoxicated. He pulled the other boot off and gently pressed on her shoulder to get her to lie down. _

"_Just sleep it off, Ash." _

_Ashley giggled. She couldn't believe she had almost forgotten the way he said her name. It always sounded softer than the way others said it. Craig watched her eyes close. He started to reach out his hand to stroke her hair, but then stopped himself. Don't you dare, Manning, Craig told himself. _

"_Oh God, I'm so hot," Ashley suddenly declared. She began to pull her black leggings off. Ashley twisted her body into strange positions and pulled on her leggings. Craig got a glimpse of her black satin panties as she struggled. He felt his cheeks burn. Don't you dare, Manning, Craig thought even more firmly. _

_She felt Craig's stare and paused in her struggle to address him, "What are you looking at? Like my dress? Do you want to wear it?" _

_Ashley giggled and Craig looked away. He studied the posters on her walls and the mess of make-up and jewelry on the dresser, anything to keep from watching Ashley. He looked back at her when he out of the corner of his eye he saw the blur of the leggings being thrown. _

_He watched Ashley flop back down into bed. He was slightly disappointed she had only removed her leggings. Stop it, Manning, Craig scolded himself. He pulled a sheet up over her and told himself that he was not doing it so he could scan over her bare legs. _

"_Thanks, Craig," Ashley muttered tiredly. _

"_No problem," Craig said. "Never thought I'd see you that drunk. Or see you again. But I'm glad I did. Glad that I saw you again, not that saw you drunk." _

"_I was drunk at prom. I had to be. Jimbo was my date," Ashley slurred, the booze bringing out all the anger she had at herself. _

"_You hush," Craig said with a smile. He always tried to ignore the bitterness he felt when he found out who she was dating her senior year in high school. They both moved on and were happy, he had thought in an attempt to lick his wounds. But Ashley's rude comment about her lame prom date was a better remedy. He left soon after, realizing that it was kind of perverted to watch her sleep. _

_Ashley woke up to find a message written on a piece of paper and stuck to the fridge. She nearly gasped as she squinted at the writing. Craig's. He had printed "It was great to see you again. If you want, give me a call." Underneath his phone number was scrawled and he signed in that familiar boy scrawl, "Craig." _

_She never admitted to anyone that she wasn't at that smoky bar just to drown her sorrows. She was there because she had stumbled across a listing in a university arts newsletter that Craig Manning would be playing. She really wasn't sure about why that gig. She had highlighted his name whenever she came across it; she had done that ever since she returned to Toronto. She always made sure to rip up the newspaper so that no one could see. After all, she had moved on._

_After they gotten together several times for coffee, then there was a few lunch dates, and a couple afternoons of browsing music, book, and thrift stores together. She didn't tell Craig she was there to see him perform that night but did admit that she was very hesitant to date. Craig was a bit taken back by openness, from confessing the details of her break-up with Jimmy to that awkward confession that she didn't want to date. Her not wanting to date didn't bother Craig any. He knew it meant that she was thinking about dating but trying not to date but none of that really mattered to him because he knew, he just knew, that they could never stay just friends forever. While she had no trouble confessing all the things that Craig missed in her life there, the one thing she didn't mention was how she left for a summer internship and didn't return to break things off in person. When she finally broke down and whispered "I'm sorry," Craig was confused. _

"_What's wrong? What? Why?" _

"_The way I left things. Way back when I left for England before our senior year. I thought I was okay with it. I thought I just needed space. But the way things went with Jimmy…I'm just sorry. I don't know why I do things like this." _

"_You've been carrying this around for this long?" Craig gasped._

**Whenever I'm alone with you  
You make me feel like I am free again  
Whenever I'm alone with you  
You make me feel like I am clean again  
**

_She knew that Craig had frequently attended NA meetings during the planning of the wedding. She knew the signs he was jonesing all too well. She refrained from saying anything, however, flashbacks surging through her. It was just like before; she thought sadly, where she pushed herself to a breaking point worrying about Craig's recently diagnosed bipolar disorder. This never will work. She had wallowed for a day or two. She worried in silence and panicked that Craig sleeping a good half of the day was him coming down and he wasn't overworked like he said and him writing in the middle of the night was the result of being high and that it really wasn't Spinner on the phone and that he spent too long at the grocery store and really was out getting high and…and then she stopped. She picked herself up and went to a support group for families and friends of addicts. All the weight didn't have to be on her, she'd realized. And this would work. _

_She had to confront her fears, realizing somewhere in the middle of the conversation that she wasn't just concerned about him, it was about her own pre-wedding jitters. So she went ahead and mentioned it to Craig. She'd watched him carefully as she waited for a response, enjoying his gaze. And she couldn't help it, she had to say it. _

"_I try not worry, really I do. I don't know if I should say something or not say it," Ashley sighed. "There's so much going on. If I'm this overwhelmed, how are you doing?"_

"_Oh Ashley Kerwin, what are we going to do with you?" Craig said with a smile so she knew he was only half serious. He understood this girl, all of her thinking and rationalizing and dodging of potential conflict of pain. He accepted it, in ways that she couldn't. And he only tried to help her be more comfortable with it herself._

"_You sure that all business with our wedding, Caitlin and Joey's wedding is a month before…it's not getting to you?" Ashley asked, needing more confirmation. "Are you sure I'm not driving you crazy…again?" She asked, with a small smile. _

_Craig gave her a funny look, "Are you serious?" _

"_No," Ashley said and blushed. _

"_So I'll get my meds upped. You are stuck with me," Craig said with a smile. He then went on to reassure her that the reason he needed NA so much wasn't because he didn't want to marry her, he was just weary of this new point in his life. _

"_I finally feel like a man," Craig had said and smiled sheepishly. "I'm really not used to that. I know it sounds horrible, but I'm really only used to thinking about myself, how I can feel the best. But now…it's all about you." _

_Craig had nearly panicked as he watched her eyes become downcast. He did it again, divided things up so they were black and white, he went overboard again. _

"_No. It's about us. Together," Ashley stated firmly but softly._

**However far away I will always love you  
However long I stay I will always love you  
Whatever words I say I will always love you  
I will always love you**

Ashley's fingers pounded out the final few bars of the song. She heard herself sigh on the speaker system. She was close to bawling. She stared down at her fingers still on the piano keys for a few moments as she collected herself. Then she stood, adjusted her gown, and took her place next to Craig. She broke the tradition of the ceremony and embraced him. She couldn't help it. It was an involuntary response.

"I will always love you," Craig whispered in her ear. "Ms. Doom and Gloom."

Craig adored her choosing The Cure's "Lovesong" for a special wedding serenade and how Ashley had gushed that Robert Smith wrote it for his wife Mary as a late wedding present. You can take the girl out of the goth but you can't take the goth out of the girl. Ashley tried not to giggle at her and Craig's inside joke. She could laugh at these things now. He was okay with who he was now.

"No, it's no longer Ms. Doom and Gloom," Ashley corrected. "It's Mrs. Craig Manning."


End file.
